Toddler Moms and Dads: Defusing the Time Bomb
They’re only two, three, possibly four. You’re 20, 30, maybe more. So how did this tiny Titan get so good at waging battle? Why just a year or two ago they could barely talk. Now they rule the roost. And you? You are their indentured servant. How did that happen! You cook their food—they spit it out. You bring them to go potty before their nap, and they wet their bed instead. You pick up toys from one end of your home to the other—and now their new favorite sport is throwing things. You may have even been tempted to fling a towel or two yourself. So who’s the toddler now? As explained in the introductory article, “Toddler Moms and Dads: Training the Troops,” the word “toddler” in the series’ title primarily refers to the moms and dads, since for most moms and dads parenting is a somewhat new experience in which they are not so sure-footed.
If your child is having a tantrum and you don’t know what to do, sometimes the best tack to take is retreat. I’m not saying that you comply with whatever they are demanding. I’m just saying that after explaining and saying, “No,” and, “Stop that,” a couple of times, you might want to stop fighting. The last thing you want to do is become engaged in the sort of unending contest of wills where you wind up threatening and throwing your weight around day after day—knee deep in a quagmire of toys, tiptoeing through shrieks and screams from beneath noise-canceling headphones that could muffle the blast of a landmine, taking kicks and blows to your knees and chest and wherever their tiny feet and hands can reach at a given moment. Before you blow your stack, it may be time for you to give yourself a time out.
One strategy, whether at home or in public, might be to practice your Ann Curry/Brian Williams NBC anchor voice. Physically bring yourself down to your child’s level so that you can look at each other eye to eye. Then lower your voice. If you feel your own anger escalating—take a breath and slow down by purposefully slowing down your speech and softening your movements. If your child has come to expect you to remain erect and escalate hysterically right alongside them, this change in your physical, vocal and emotional level (as you take everything down a few notches and sail in under their rage) may be enough to take them off guard and enable them to reset their emotions. Provide your child an opportunity to calmly verbalize their discontent, and provide yourself the opportunity to consider their wishes and yours, and how best to respond to both.
If this does not work and you are in a public place, like a store, after expressing that the behavior they are exhibiting is unacceptable, you may want to let something interesting catch your attention and begin to explore on your own. It could be something as simple as reading the labels on cereal packages in the grocery store; or removing a few shoes from a rack in a clothing store, trying them on, looking at them in the mirror, etc. Be captivated by the object of your interest. When you shift your attention from your child’s tantrum to the pretty shoes, your child may shift their attention too. Let them make the first move. If your child shows an interest, let them participate in the new activity. Remember, although you may be rejecting your child’s prior behavior, you are not rejecting your child. Ask your child which shoes (or whatever) they like for you. Thank them for their input. If you see something affordable that you like, this might be a good time to reward yourself. If not, it might be a good time to demonstrate that it is possible to look at and appreciate nice things without buying them. (If they have just thrown a tantrum because you wont buy them something, be subtle. You don’t want to remind them of that fact.)
If the child has changed their behavior and exhibited good and helpful behavior, you might want to let them pick out colorful socks or a shirt or hat or something they like for themselves as a reward, linking the receipt of the object to the good behavior they exhibited. However, considering the prior tantrum, this is probably not the best time to provide a toy or a tasty treat. A more neutral gift like an article of clothing given with pleasure, praise and love, or simply giving lots of hugs and praise, could reinforce the good behavior without reinforcing the preceding bad behavior. You do not want your child to develop a manipulative trait wherein they throw a tantrum and then subsequently act nicely in order to get a toy. The likelihood of their developing such a pattern to get a pair of socks is more remote than with high child-valued objects like toys and candy. Do not reward bad behavior in the hopes it will stop. The behavior must stop before rewards are given—not after.
If you’re home when your child is throwing a tantrum and you think the time is right and the environment safe, you may want to just quietly walk into your bedroom and lie down. You might be surprised when your child’s tantrums cease and they quietly crawl onto your bed beside you. You don’t need to use words. You can just let your breathing synchronize as you snooze together. While discussing with psychiatrist Dr. Joshua Weiner the pros and cons of parent/child bed sharing on the August 2, 2011 segment of “Parenting Today,” NBC News chief medical editor, Dr. Nancy Snyderman, and “Today” anchor Matt Lauer spoke of “regulated breathing for mom and infant” as one of the benefits of “co-sleeping.” Something as simple as allowing your breath to synchronize with your child’s breath can be one of the best parenting tips for reducing stress and strengthening the parent/child bond. Wherever you stand on parent/child bed sharing, attuning yourself to your child’s breathing during a shared nap, or even just while sitting together on the couch, can help you to develop a peaceful harmonious relationship with your child.
Or maybe you might want to stoke each other’s hands. If you feel the moment calls for words, a simple “I guess we just both need a nap” could say it all. Don’t be afraid to let the moment happen. It can also be good to keep a few children’s books by your bedside for such moments. If you have the energy you can start reading one of the books on your own, and should your child enter your room, you can draw them closer by reading the book to them or with them. Or maybe you might want to just listen to what they have to say. If necessary, let them know that you can hear them better when they don’t yell. Listening to your child and letting them know that their concerns are heard is one of the best things you can do for them.
Taking preemptive naps together can also stop problem behavior before it happens. Be in tune with your child. Parents have busy schedules and there can be a temptation to pack up one’s child like one packs a suitcase and drag them around from place to place. Unlike suitcases, children have physical and emotional needs. Listen to your child. If your child complains don’t just interpret that as a threat to your authority or an objection to overcome. If they have difficulty expressing themselves, ask questions, show an interest, help them to put their feelings into words and try to meet their needs. You may be bigger and older, but that doesn’t mean you should always get your way. Tend to your child’s nonverbals too. If you notice you or your child tends to get hungry or tired or cranky at a particular time, you may want to schedule a little milk and graham cracker or cereal, a trip to the bathroom, and a nap for that time as part of your daily routine. That time of day is probably not a time you want to be socializing with your friends, or waiting on line together in a store, or bank, or government building; so plan those things for times when you think you and your child will be up for them. A child can benefit from having built-in times in the day when they know they will have you to themselves, and some of these times should be “downtime.”
If you pray, moments of turmoil can also be excellent times to model prayer with your child. Some people use a prayer book or card, or stand or kneel or use beads when they pray. If your child enters the room when you are praying they may become curious and ask what you are doing. Instead of responding, “Nothing,” and locking them out of your relationship with the Divine Presence, you can invite them in to a shared relationship with the Divine Presence by explaining what prayer is and maybe teaching them a simple contemplative prayer like, “Thank you God for loving me.” By doing so, you have shown your child that when stressed one of the things you do is pray and give thanks for what is good. This is much better than demonstrating that when you are stressed you scream and hit. After all, it is the former not the latter behavior that you want your child to emulate, and if you do not demonstrate it, they cannot emulate it. You may find that your relationship with your child blossoms when the Divine is allowed to be Present in it.
Your relationship with your child is all-important. It is much easier to teach and guide someone with whom you have a good relationship, and this is all the more true with your child. Once you have developed the foundation of a peaceful harmonious relationship with your child, dealing with difficulties becomes easier.
If you have already developed a pattern of engaging in combat with your child, defusing time bombs in these ways may be more difficult and may take more time and consistency. However, these sorts of intimate interludes are the building blocks of a relationship with your child that will hopefully survive past the toddler years through the teens and into adulthood. You may even find these moments resurfacing when you are in your old age as you lie in your hospital bed. Your relationship with your child is one of the most significant relationships you will ever have. Through their relationship with you, your child can develop an overall sense of security and learn how to read the emotions of other people, develop empathy, express their thoughts and feelings, act cooperatively, practice self-regulation and self-soothing, strengthen self-confidence, and love.
** Nothing connected with this blog or this website should be considered counseling or treatment. **
